Death in Reality?

I do not feel alive.
I feel as if I'm floating down a gentle stream;
going nowhere, doing nothing.

The cure? Live.

Something.

One day I climbed out of my bitter shell.
I'm not entirely sure when or how it happened, it did.
My hatred died for the people that didn't deserve the hate.
My love grew for those deserving of such love.
My smile bloomed into something real.

I'm scheduled for four classes this fall; panic attack soon.
With the stress of moving, school, acceptance, and work,
I've taken to a minor affair with pot.
It'll pass.
Do I want it to?
What do I want?

Bottom of The World

The violin experience is progressing, steadily. I'm glad I decided to pick it up because it feels so natural, smooth, deep, and poetic. It feels second nature.

"Hustle Rose" has been on repeat for me. It's by far my favorite Metric song. I'm not entirely sure what it is but the song is curing something in me.

My weekend is going to be spent recovering and sleeping.

Why the alter ego?

Because I feel split in two.
The new and old [mes] are colliding and spinning out of control.

My hair is a mess.. I think I hear birds nesting within the tangles.

Today I'm reading about Confucius.
Today I meditated on Nine of Fire: Eye of Fire.

Life is a silly, little lass, now isn't she?

I'm keeping my emotions at bay with a gentle, low hum.
hmmm hm hmmm hm hmmm hm hmmmm.
I don't quite understand why I'm doing this. I just do.

I'm taking a week long trip to California next week to see my brother. Not going to pretty it up -it's going to be weird. I'm bringing my camera and note book, and I plan on trying to see the beauty in things away from home.

In the fall I'm going back to school to finish my AAOT degree. During registration my eyes scan the selection of people waiting with me. I hate them all already.

The Other Side

As the card of the paradox, the Hanged Man also urges you to look at things in a new and different way. If your mind is yelling at you to do something, then doing nothing could be the best thing to do. If something is important to you emotionally but it no longer serves a purpose, you might want to think about letting go of it. And don't try to force anything to happen while the Hanged Man is about. By trying to force changes, you ensure that they never happen. Relax and let things happen instead of trying to interfere. Instead of fighting against the current, let it take you wherever it is flowing.